Information Overload

Ok folks, seriously somebody has GOT to create a manual for this crap or something.  You'd think after 11 years in the same war we'd of figured this out by now.  Here's a taste of the absolute information overload you're expected to remember:

First up are hundreds of hours of computer based training (CBTs).  Ok, hundreds is a little dramatic, but it's a lot.  And they are this little interactive army dude coming out asking you questions.  "If evading capture, would you hide in A) the cave, B) the woods, or C) run screaming like a little bitch down the hill".  C, for sure C.  "I'm sorry, you have been captured and can no longer return with honor".  Ah, shit, lemme try again!  hahaha.  Or, the CBT teaching you basic phrases in the native language.  Look, I was raised outside of Louisville, KY...I can't speak English like I'm supposed to, let alone some shit I've never heard in my whole life!  "please repeat after me, haba blah blah blah".  Ok, baba boo blah.  "I'm sorry, that is incorrect.  Please repeat after me...".  Yeah, whatever bro, don't judge me.  Next.

So, then you move on to the hands on stuff.  Lemme just tell you, this instructor almost died.  So, I show up for firing class.  This particular weapon I was firing, I'd never seen, held, touched, nothing in my life.  So, I tell the guys up front, "look bro, not only did I ride the short bus to school everyday, I was the kid licking the window.  So, if you need to go ahead and pull up a chair next to me, you need to just go ahead and do that".  Class goes well, we go out to the firing range, I'm feeling pretty good.  Round 1, 0 shots on the target.  hmm, ok, lemme try again.  40 rounds later, 0 on the target.  Now, let me just say, I'm not a great shot, but I can hit the damn piece of paper!  So this guy has the balls to come up to me and say, "ok, now when you look at the target, what do you see".  I'm like what do you mean what do I see, I see the freaking target!  He goes, "well do you see a little black circle with a dot in the middle".  Omg, I'm going to beat you with this weapon!  Yes I see the freaking iron sights a-hole!!!  So, then I lose it a little, and shove the weapon at him, look you shoot it, I'm not that stupid, you freaking shoot the weapon.  After some arguing he humbles me and shoots it 3 times.  0 on the target.  OOOOOHHHH!!!  NOW he says oh there's something wrong with this gun!  uuuuuhhhhh.  Whatever, it all gets sorted out (yes! there was a problem with the weapon) and I qualify. 

Now I get handed a list of all the gear I need.  Ok, now I'm thinking, oh I GOT this, if I can do anything, I can shop!  Bring it on.  So, I go to the special issue store, a clerk takes my list, and we go around the store as they throw the stuff in my cart and mark the items off the list.   Wtf.  I'm looking at these foreign objects which I have never seen in my life.  Excuse me, what am I supposed to do with that?  What the hell is that?  This is a what?  And this very nice clerk quickly explained things over his shoulder as I chase after him attempting to take mental notes of it all.  Yeah right.  I resorted to saving all of the labels so I can read the instructions later.  Then come the choices.  There's a wall of flashlights, which one would you like?  Hell, idk, which one do I need.  They say, just pick one.  Ok, I picked.  Then come the backpacks, do you want green, brown, multicam pattern, abu pattern, or black.  OMG!  IDK!!  Again, the clerk gives me the run down on the pros and cons of each.  I have no idea, I went with black, forget it. 

So, now that I'm a trained warrior, I've got the gear...now on to the packing....

Enough Said.  Disaster zone.  I thought it was never going to end.  Not to mention, I insisted on washing absolutely EVERYTHING before I packed it.  I mean, I've heard your stuff doesn't really get clean in the laundry over there.  I just like the idea of at least starting out with a clean shirt.  No?  Too much?  oh Jesus...

  

Gordy just wants to make sure the important stuff gets in :)

I've resorted to keeping paper with me at all times to write down the never ending to do list running through my brain, and the endless questions I need to ask someone, anyone, who's done this before.  Make sure to order the special laundry detergent online, find Gordy a home, pack everything I own in those space saver bags, ship everything (b/c God knows I'm not carrying that shit), go buy new sweatpants b/c I accidentally packed & shipped every pair I own, change Birchbox delivery address so I can continue to receive beauty products over there, etc.  Ya know, the important stuff ;)

Sometimes you just gotta give it a little "Jesus take the wheel" and what will be will be.  Expect emails from me, Ahhh!! I forgot________ :) ...or, hey can I send some crap to your house to store b/c I brought WAY too much!